I was intoxicated by New York in my early 20s and I moved there with a naïve and delusional optimism that it would be easy to start a theatre career there. New York (and London) are the ultimate destinations for Australians trying to make it – especially as artists – perhaps it’s because we still suffer from cultural cringe and laud art from overseas as being more important than our own. Where do you think your love of NYC, and this belief that you had to be in that city to ‘make it’ come from, do you think? What do you think about that dream now? Your dreams of NYC was something I related to. They are a constant source of support and good humour and are true allies in this unique experience. We text, we go away on group holidays, we talk on the phone. The women in my solo mum group on Facebook and the women I met through VARTA’s now-defunct support group are still at the end of the line all the time. So I’d say by presenting more stories of single women who aren’t slumped at their kitchen benches pouring their chardonnay up to the rim of the glass and looking miserable (not that there’s anything wrong with a large glass of wine).Īre you still in touch with the women you met in the Facebook solo parent group? I understand the group is continuing to expand throughout Australia? Are the women there still a source of support? How can we change that? The only way I know how to do things is through words and writing. The married ideal is so strong that it’s arguably better to find anyone at all than be alone and single. I think part of the reason coupledom is still mandatory is that it’s important for the patriarchy to uphold the hetero family structure (where women basically do most of the child-rearing and emotional labour for men) and single women are threatening to that structure. It’s very powerful still, this romantic notion that we’ll find one singular uber-human who will be our “person” – preferably via some kind of movie-style meet-cute where we lock eyes through a fish tank or bump into them on the street while carrying our shopping. Romance is a kind of mythology that we live by – it’s almost our contemporary religion. It really illustrated that cliché to me that when you see it outside of yourself (an example of your future-self), you can be it.Ī post shared by Alexandra Collier in 2023, is society still so biased against single people? Why are women still seen as ‘less than’ when they don’t have a romantic partner? And what can we do to change these perceptions? So I stubbornly pushed back against any judgement I encountered about solo motherhood.Īlso, the women I met along this path were role models for me – my dear friend Sam, another solo parent who I write about in the book and all the women I connected to online and through a support group. I think because outwardly I’ve always been a fairly dutiful and diligent eldest daughter, underneath I have a simmering, rebellious, ‘fuck you’ spirit. My desire to have a baby was so fierce – it was like being possessed, I think that’s what kept driving me forward. How did you overcome these judgments? How did you stay strong in the face of these critical opinions? You encountered many judgemental people during your journey towards parenthood without a romantic ‘partner’. Also, in the lead up and during and after my pregnancy, I was writing everything down with a kind of mad compulsion, as I had the sense that this would be an important story. They’re fragmented and not really diary-like but I was able to create more vivid detail by using the atmosphere of those journals. I obsessively keep journals (I brought boxes of them home from New York at ridiculous expense). Today, we sit down with the author of this extraordinary book and ask her about the process of diving into this awe-inspiring story. In her debut book, “Inconceivable” ( which comes out today), Collier takes us through her journey of finding love, losing love, and ultimately, getting pregnant upon her first attempt using a sperm donor. As a woman in her late thirties, Collier’s options were limited, but she was determined to play her cards as best she could. She left her long-term partner because he told her he wasn’t ready for a child. In the midst of a harrowing breakup, Collier returned to her hometown of Melbourne after spending more than a decade in New York City. All she wanted was the ordinary desires many of us harbour – a family, with two loving parents and a happy child. She tried dating, but the results were unsatisfying. What do you do when you want to be a mother and you are not in a heterosexual relationship? For writer Alexandra Collier, the question was mired by years of uncertainty and disappointments.
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